New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
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Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what