New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
me irl
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
