New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
