Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

This classic never gets old . . .

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs