NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
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I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Huge if true.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath