New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
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I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Hear me out: WrestleVania
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
is nasa ok
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.