Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything