Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.