Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

this could fix me

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.