new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
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Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
Feel. He’s so soft.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
