new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
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Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
My hips? Compulsive liars.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray