Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.