New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
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I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future