NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
