Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

Anyone really

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.