Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

Britain be like

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.