Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Oh deer

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.