New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
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Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Hell yeah 👍
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂