Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?
ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex
JUDGE: Who are you? You’re not even in this trial
M: I know, I just want it on record
Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Shouting “wahoo” instead of “woo-hoo” so everyone in this bar knows that I’m into fun AND sport fishing.
When I’m driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”