New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

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Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman


me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait


Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?


ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex
JUDGE: Who are you? You’re not even in this trial
M: I know, I just want it on record


Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?


The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.


ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.


Shouting “wahoo” instead of “woo-hoo” so everyone in this bar knows that I’m into fun AND sport fishing.


When I’m driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.


[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”