Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
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i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.