Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Please do it!
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Today’s tshirt
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.