Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
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if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer