Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
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[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?