Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Windows

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.