Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

tell em, edith-anne

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school