*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
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Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Ah..makes sense now
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
🔦🌙👣
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
for all #parents out there
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Breaking news:
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.