Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.