Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
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“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
There’s never enough good news
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar