Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
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If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Stonehinge
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My birthstone is kidney
Never be a pizza!
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”