NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
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[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over