Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Merry Christmas
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again
“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.