Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
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Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Liquor Store Parking
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?