News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
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4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
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doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Strange
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko