News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
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Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Legend 🤣🤣
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.