News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
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I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
