News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
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5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Only you can prevent podcasts
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.