Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

‘I know a black person’

– White people

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.