News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
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13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies