[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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The glockness monster
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There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
🤯🤯🤯
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My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings