Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.