NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
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Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Thursday
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.