Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure