[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
You Might Also Like
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”