Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.