[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

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The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.


If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.


I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.


Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.


When people say “Let’s not get off on the wrong foot here”, I reply “Please don’t get off on either of my feet”.


As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.