[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
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When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad