[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
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WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem