Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off