Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

Cardio Made Easy

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

I’d … I’d rather not.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?