I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
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A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.