News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
In space, no one can hear…
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Today’s tshirt
