News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.