News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed