News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them