Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

Always…

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever