Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce