Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.