Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school