Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

need him

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

hand it over!

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.