Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.