Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.