I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don’t know if it’s an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case.
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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
E R: Y
! ! ! !
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment