@bobbiejo448

News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don’t know if it’s an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

@CAshmanActor

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

@theNuzzy

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

@MelvinofYork

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

@TheToddWilliams

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

@Izianikapani

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

@zachreinert03

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

@Mirimade

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

@B_Schmidt

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

@KimMonte10

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment