Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.