Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST