News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
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[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Wednesday
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.