Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

Personal question. #JustSaying

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.