News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
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Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt