Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

So sick of all these stupid rules

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

I’m good, thanks.

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them